Tuesday, 26 June 2012

The 'Before' Picture

You see the 'before' pictures for plastic surgery where they deliberately make the person look shitty in every way possible. If it's a plastic surgery for a face lift the before picture has the poor victim looking bleary eyed, no make up, dark circles under their eyes, greasy hair etc. Then they hit you with the after picture hair professionally styled, full face of airbrushed make up, whiter teeth - before you have even considered the fact they have had a face lift you automatically thing 'WOW they look amazing, and everyone from aged 21-60 wants a face lift. I don't need a face lift - the fat in my face is filling out any wrinkle there could possibly be.

The before photo for weight loss I think is even worse. Most often you see the before picture with the poor middle aged woman forced to wear a nike crop top and ill fitting tighter than tight gym pants so that her middle tyre is firmly protruding, and in most cases hanging over the gym pants. Her back boobs are clearly on show, and her cellulite is bursting through the leggings. I'm not doing that shit.

I do have a little self-respect, just a smidgen. No way, not ever will you find me in one of the those terrible before pictures with all parts that should never be seen, bulging in every direction. I don't even wear that stuff to the gym (unless it is covered by a baggy tshirt..., who am I kidding I was a terrible gym member.)  I would never subject you poor souls to that kind of photo. I promise it would give you nightmares - I shudder at the thought. 

So I intend on picking a glamorous before photo. Not one that I have photoshopped to make me look like something I am not...(nope, never done that before...), but a quite realistic picture, not necessarily a hideous one. By no means am I suggesting that this picture has the potential to be slapped on the cover of August's edition of Vogue with the title 'Sizzling Summer Style', but you know its a PPP (potential profile picture).

So, without delay - here is...ME.

It's not the best picture to be perfectly honest but its the latest one I have of myself, but you don't get the  full flowing effect of my diva skirt and by this point I had drank the best part of a bottle of vodka (In fact its probably best there are no flowing skirt pics as I kept stepping on the skirt and pulling it down - always so graceful). But have a good long look -not too long, envy is not an admirable trait and say GOODBYE, SO LONG, FAREWELL FATTY!

I know, I know you are all thinking - what on earth is she talking about she is so stylish and so cool. HA, I WISH. Just go back on my facebook photos and you will see my life as a fashionista has pretty much only just begun. I am really not advocating that you do 'go back in time' on my profile as I fear you wont want to be my friend after you see that I thought it was cool to go on a night out...in white linen trousers. I shudder. And for those who have known me for a while - I am more than thankful that my hair has grown. For 18 years I thought it was perfectly normal to have a bob, it really wasn't. I am hardly the plus size Rachel Zoe but be grateful I don't try and squeeze myself into a corset. But give me time you won't know what's hit you. 

Fatty BB xxx

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