Wednesday, 28 November 2012

I Work Out.

The gym is now fully complete with... 600 DVDs to choose from. Fantastic. I had been waiting for the final touches to be complete like a flat screen tv and all the DVDs to be put into alphabetical order. But mostly I was waiting for the blinds to go up so that the weirdos from next door can't see me run like a heifer on the treadmill and inevitably fall off. But I will begrudgingly have to wait for the blinds. (I don't know why but I constantly seem to trip on the conveyor belt - put it down to a manufacturing fault and less my ability to run in an ordinary fashion). But I will begrudgingly have to wait for the blinds, will just have to brave it!

But now the question is what DVD to watch whilst exercising?! Which would give the most motivation? I have narrowed the choices down as I want to make sure that the first session back in the gym is a happy one and not a disastrous occasion whereby I avoid all further attempts of exercise. The options are as follows:

- The Bourne Identity - lots of running could be inspirational. Perhaps pretend I was once a Treadstone operative gone rogue. I'm not convived this would make me run more though. Perhaps if I imagine I was running towards a topless Matt Damon I might be even more inspired.

- Mean Girls - because now Lindsay Lohan is such a wreck 3 months in the gym and I'm bound to look better than she did during her blonde anorexic I love Sam Ronson phase.

- Coyote Ugly - Learn some dance moves to embarrass myself with at the same time, and its basically an all Leanne Rimmes soundtrack that only Emily Walker would appreciate as much as me.

- Taken - Because if I get hot and skinny it could happen to me (I'm not wishing that it does) but I might need to know what to do in such a situation. Although the first time I watched Taken was with BBB a week before I went travelling across America and his response at the end of the film was not how easily I could potentially be abducted into the sex trade and that I should be careful or just not go at all. No, no, no. It was 'Well if that happens to you, I'm not coming to America. Liam Neeson runs faster  than me. But on reflection I think the chances of someone trying to abduct you are slim to none.' Thanks Baz.

- Hairspray- Because the fatty gets the hotty. This however may not lead to much inspiration in the workout field. And will also give me highly unrealistic hopes that Zac Efron will come knocking. Door bell just rang and no joke for a split second I just thought 'could it be?!' Don't be so stupid it was Granddad over for dinner.

- Pride and Prejudice (the BBC version obviously). My reasoning behind this was that because its a 6 part series it will encourage me to go back for the next 5 hours. I also countt myself as an Indian Elizabeth Bennett, well kind of more due the fact that she ends up with someone on £10,000 a year than her witty intellect.  Annie is clearly Jane - pretty and obedient. And Ashwin is Kitty - an outrageous flirt/embarrassment to the family. Which either leaves me with piano playing Mary or dear Lizzie and since I am highly outspoken for a good Indian girl, loose my temper far too often and have dark curly hair I thought it was the most fitting.

Decisions. Decisions.

So, that was yesterday and this is now today and the gym has well and try been conquered. It did take a while to muster the strength to get out of bed and cross the garden to get to the gym but after catching up on MIC and faffing for an hour I managed it. In the end I went with Coyote Ugly. It was an excellent choice. However I think I got a little too carried away...It got to the cowboy dance on the bar scene and I thought to myself 'hey, if I can master the pussycat dolls routine, surely this will be easy.' So I headed over to the matts and got myself prepped to go along with the girls, it was NOT a success. Despite my best efforts to be a cowgirl, my line dancing just doesn't cut it and it ended in overhearing the builder's raucous laughter from next door.

With a failed dance routine in check I headed back to the cross trainer, but I was without a defeatist attitude. I was determined if anything to look at good at Lucy in MIC when she was at the gym and so I stupidly attempted the Coyote hair-flick whilst going full pace on the cross trainer. The result was that my hair flick was so ferocious that I almost winded myself when the cross trainer handle came flying back into my chest. Safe to say I won't ever cut it as a coyote, fat or thin.

I think tomorrow we might try Taken, far fewer dance moves.

I leave you with this parting image, me attempting this routine...

Fatty BB xxx

Monday, 12 November 2012

Time Management.

As you can tell from the way the posts have been progressively slowing down in their publication, time management is a bit of an issue for me. It is not my best asset, we have clearly established over the past couple of months my best assets are my eyebrows. So just for me, when you next see me comment on how bangin they are.

Time management seems to be that skill that people try and drill into you from a young age - teachers, parents, Annie, everyone tried to get me organised. Never happened. (Not BBB though he was too unorganised to organise me). I think it's a middle child thing, we are too laid back to care about time management - or at least this is my excuse. When told to do something my initial reaction is 'yeah ok, in a minute' and in fact if I do end up doing that particular task it will be done hours after initially requested. I don't even realise I am saying this, its like a reflex action, predominantly because I don't really register when people are telling me to do something as I am watching Gossip Girl or Revenge or reading Daily Mail online and frankly I'm not really paying attention to the clothes in the washing machine, or the gardener coming in an hour that I have to open to back gate for. But if someone reminds me to take the food out of the oven, I miraculously remember, so strange.

 So when I had to catch the school bus at 7.15am to get to Loughborough time management was a particular issue, especially when living with Miss Organised-Annie. She would be up early enough to look pristine for school, have breakfast and watch whatever rubbish was played on Trouble Channel at 7am. Me, on the other hand had to be rolled out of bed by Geeta, and I would proceed to roll myself back into bed for that crucial extra 5 minutes. Then attempt to dress myself in the allocated 3 minutes I had given myself, stumble down stairs skirt the wrong way round, shirt buttoned up incorrectly and odd socks on. Grab my now cold toast, because that was way more important than my blazer, fall into the car and be shouted at by Annie because apparently we were always so late we were going to miss the bus (we never once missed the bus). Make it on to the bus and fall straight back to sleep. No wonder I looked such a mess in my formative years - I'm so lucky I was loved enough not to be least to my face.

The same kind of thing happened with my work if I was given a month to do a piece of coursework inevitably it was done the night before it was due. And due to my hideous time management nothing in my life seems to get done. Unless its something that I really want to do, like go for 3 hour leisurely lunches or watch back to back Harry Potters.

 If I'm not working, I'm sleeping or complaining that there is nothing to eat at home or TEFLing or job hunting for journalism internships and with all of this combined I am finding it hard to time manage my entire life. Under the presumption that an ipad would actually help my time management I persuaded BBB it was vital to life. In fact it is only vital in aiding my fruit ninja scores. So I need to work on time management so that I now spend the majority of my time IN THE GYM and not complaining that I don't have enough time, because that is what I have been doing lately, naughty Billie. If I cut back on my facebook stalking and watching shit programmes like Revenge there will definitely be time. The gym is now complete and actually looks pretty snazzy (could I expect anything less from BBB - although his input on the gym was the massive tv, leather sofa and 600 dvds, so for him I think its more of a virtual escapism that one fuelled by exercise).

The reality that France is looming is starting to hit home so I need to really crack the whip and sort my life out and start using my time wisely. Tomorrow is Diwali and I have to be a proper Indian for the day. Play the role of the doting daughter, not the disobedient lazy shit. Show all elders dutiful respect and attention which means I will have to hold back on insulting Annie for the day and most of all play nice so that I get a good present. Baz if you're blackberry is totally bust. Why not have some uniformity and order in my life by buying me and iphone to add to my apple goods?!

Likelihood is that I will sleep in until 11am get bollocked by Geeta for not being productive. Laze around the house write a cover letter (eat some meat because I will forget I am meant to be a veggie for the day) and then at 4:45pm run around the house and pretend like I have been doing things aaalllll day so that when Geeta arrives home at 5pm I will have stepped up to be that good little Indian daughter. Such a shame she can see right through me. The day after Diwali is technically Indian New Year - so here is my pledge: not to be a better Indian, because that really is a lost cause, but to step up the weight loss and MANAGE MY TIME. It will be done.

Fatty BB xxx