Monday, 28 January 2013

How To Lose Weight Fast...

...Get Ill.

Despite my hefty exterior I like to think of myself as a relatively fit person as I rarely get ill. (There goes my chance of ever pulling a sicky at work). So when I do get ill it makes up for all that lost time and it is BRUTAL. This may be me being a slight drama queen when it comes to 'brutal' but right now full of cold and flu I think it is completely justified, so don't even try and make it out like I have sniffles.

Most people's initial reaction to being ill is relatively miserable...not me! Losing weight without really having to try - FANTASTIC. Your appetite is lost without deliberately trying to surpress it, people dote on you constantly, you dont have to beg and plead for a ribena it is constantly available and whatever you do eat, there is a strong likelihood that you are going to throw it up. Win.

So I was doing really well with my gym routine I was caning it every day and was tripping over less on the treadmill and then low and behold this sickness shit got in my way. I was bed bound and had it not been for Netfilx (Sorry Blockbuster and HMV) I would have cried for 48 hours. I couldn't breathe, couldn't smell and couldn't see (from so many self pittying tears). The only comforting thought was that whilst watching 'Just Friends' for the tenth time I thought if I carry on with this non eating, 'vomming up water' charade I reckon I could have a chance with Ryan Reynolds (pretty sure that's how Blake Lively did it - nothing to do with her luscious locks and legs up to HERE). That's probably an ode to how delirious I was. However one day of bed rest and I was bored shitless...and because I am such a selfless matyr-like being I decided back to work was in order. (Even managed a 9am blood test before work - SUCH a martyr).

Come lunchtime a couple walked in - the man looking a little like Alfred Hitchcock, I thought this was going to be interesting. Turns out the man used to be a writer for the Good Food Guide and told me that he often still writes in if he thinks that the restaurant or its staff are not up to par. Great. So as a snotty, squeaky voiced waitress not looking my best, I was basically about to ruin the entire restaurant's reputation. Alas I did not. Instead I was asked out by this 65 year old man and I was very nearly swayed by this Bentley. BUT the deal breaker came with the following line 'I have been admiring your figure, you are very attractive.' No, no, no, absolutely not. Get out. I have seen that programme on feeders. In the politest way possible I busied myself polishing already sparkling glasses in the hopes that he would leave soon. An hour later whilst shining tea spoons I allowed my mind to wonder and I found myself dwelling on those tribes in Africa where the fatter you are the more you are treated like royalty. I think these places are at least worth a visit and if I find out that Asos do actually deliver here well...that's a nice added extra! Brought crashing back to reality when offered some food and I declined, I decided the tribe idea was never going to work.

This is what it comes down to...I actually mustered up the strength to weigh myself before I got ill and my bright idea was to weigh myself a couple of days after and see if there was much of a difference - 5lbs. Sickness well done!

 We will just overlook the fact that come Friday was Alice and Rupert's leaving do and we were made to stuff our faces with Pad Thai and Tequila. Forced to eat sausage sandwiches Saturday morning. Repeat the tequila sessioning Saturday night. AND THEN FORCED AGAIN to eat sausages and bacon on Sunday morning. They are so inconsiderate. My only comfort was that all my skinny friends have binges too. For example Alice's favourite game upon our return home (aside from the whispering game which she persistently SHOUTED) was 'guess the crisp flavour.' This involved her putting her whole head into a big bowl of crisps (somewhat similar to a pig and trough) and whilst attempting to scoff the whole bowl guessing the flavour. The flavours were never actually determined but other got involved and for once I was too overcome with shock and laughter to partake. Might have had something to do with the chicken burger I had managed to wangle....But I prefer my original theory.

So 5lbs down and I will NOT be taking to scales today so see how many of those sneaky little 'lbs' hace managed to creep back on. It's always the tequila. Maybe after a big gym sesh and a dinner of water and air I might muster the strength to climb on tomorrow morning. But for now I'm just hoping I get ill again.

Fatty BB xxx

Sunday, 13 January 2013

Guilty As Charged.

My crime: Christmas over indulgence. 
Verdict: Guilty. 

It has been a little while since I last posted and to be perfectly honest it was simply because there was no fighting the fat. Not even a small amount of fighting to make up one post - I couldn't lie to you. I completely and utterly succumbed to the festivities in every sense of the meaning. I ate too much, drank too much, spent too much and throughly enjoyed it. Sorry... but I'm not sorry. Christmas is a time for happiness and indulgence and nothing makes me happier than indulging in roast potatoes and chocolate yule log. 

So inevitably it came to New Year's Eve and that looming question of 'what are your resolutions for 2013 going to be?' That dreaded bloody question...nosy buggers just focus on your own failed resolutions stop asking about mine! I think it has been my resolution to lose weigh since 1994 and it seems I have been rather ineffective (might I add, like most of the population) at ever attaining these resolutions. So I decided to not make a resolution about losing weight this year. Instead it is simply going to be inherent in my life. I started off well last Summer when I began this glorious blog and managed to drop 2 and a half stones...HOWEVER I then got to shittest job known to man and self diagnosed myself with depression. I may have overreacted with depression, most probable. In my time of need I felt no motivation to hit the gym or eat particularly well and as such I gave up and found the bread. I know bad Billie. Things got a lot better when Entropy arrived in my life and I thought running around a restaurant would definitely burn off all the grazing in the kitchen. It didn't. The reason that plan failed was because I didn't factor in my non existant metabolism and although there were relatively frequent gym sessions, there were also relatively frequent risottos. Oops. 

So the resolution for 2013 was not to loose weight but to be bolder and braver. If I want something to just go for it and not pussyfoot around it like I have been for the past 22 years. Without being cringe my resolution was to have an adventure, for the past couple of decades I've played it pretty safe so I think it is time for a change. My adventure might not be in the African savannah or the rain forests of South America (mainly because I HATE trekking...gross get a Jeep) but it could be finding my perfect school in Paris or finally getting a break in London and entering the rather savage world of fashion. Whatever it be, its going to be my year and my adventure. 

The reason I started this blog was 1) to put off getting a job by persuading BBB that this was very time consuming and important 2) to make sure I kept myself motivated by sharing my rather uninteresting story with people. Neither really happened because I was a lazy fuck. Well 2012 is done and things are looking up.... I am actually getting somewhere with a career (and one that I actually want to pursue, soz law but you can do one) and people actually like my writing! Shock. 

So here is the plan for the foreseeable future, stop fucking around and just get on with it time is passing already and Cancun 2014 is looming in the not so distant future. I have had a very serious chat with the chefs at work and what they have to do I have a break down and come in asking for risotto or breakfast to show me a picture of Rihanna and kindly tell me to sod off. 

Game on 2013...let's see who wins. 

Fatty BB xxx