Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Olympic Inspiration.

The healthy life is going well, I am pleased with my progress - however seeing all the adonises at the Olympics I think I need to step it up a gear if I'm going to pretend to be Phelps in the pool (my 25m time is actually identical to his 200m time - I know what are chances?!) The Olympics has been rather inspiring actually and although I have faced up to the fact that I will never be selected, as eating is not an Olympic sport ( so should be - Carb Queen would definitely win a medal), I have found that the athletes who have trained every day for the past for years to make their dreams come true a welcome inspiration...who am I kidding?! Jumping off my high horse the real reason I watch the Olympics because I get to see Phelps, Lochte, Le Clos, Daley (he's 18 its totally legal)and many many other hotties in teeennnnyyy tiinnnyyyy speedos. HELLO!

So back to my transformation from 'fat to fit' as I am reminded by Annie I seemed to have lost focus on the blog front, I'm just too easily distracted. I had my first personal trainer session last week, his name...Lewis Hamilton. That shit cray. Totally makes me Nicole Sherzinfgvefbweuifberuibf. Lewis is lovely, and despite my previous hopes that it would be a Jonny Wilkinson look a like and he would fall in love with my awesome personality and in a decade's time my Victoria Secret bod; I was actually very grateful that I did not fancy Lewis in the slightest. I could look like a beast on the treadmill and I didn't care. It was an hour sesh and it was the hardest hour of my life. I have not sprinted in a very, very long time. In fact it is hard to recall a time when I actually ran. At school I played a lot of sport where you are meant to run but somehow I managed not to.
Netball - Goal Shooter. Very limited movement needed. Stand in 1/3 of the court, catch the ball, shoot. Game over.
Hockey - Goal Keeper. I was pretty much as wide as the goal in padding so again limited running. Look like the terminator. Game over.
Squash - Hard hitter. Hit the ball harder than most girls. Hit it in the opposite place to where they are standing. Serve so they can't return. Game over.
Rounders - Bowler. Stand in a box. People bring the ball to you. Hit the ball so hard you have time to walk round. Game over.

On top of this I managed to escape the 1500m year after year, you gotta know which teachers to get in with - or if that fails you hide in the changing rooms for 2 hours whilst everyone else is subjected to torture in the rain. I'm not a runner, me and Usain would never work out. I am 'hand to eye' ball sport kinda girl, practiced frequently by playing against myself at Swing Ball...always win. This is why I am more suited to the Roddicks of the world, or Nadal he likes a good tan too. It's a mystery why they haven't come knocking yet.

I know my strengths, and it is certainly not running. So it came as a HUGE shock when I had to do interval training on the treadmill and he made me sprint. He kept saying "you're surprisingly fit!" - I'm not convinced this was a compliment. Yes, yes I am surprisingly fit for an Asian whale (coincidentally I am also very flexible for my size, I revel in touching my toes with ease when slimmer people can't!) The next day it was fair to say I ached from head to toe. BUT it put my gym fears to bed, and it motivated me further. But now I want a personal trainer everyday (so if you're a PT reading this...hit me up). My requirements are that you are friendly, you don't shout at me unless I'm being a lazy shit, you're hot but attainable and you don't make me go on the rower. Oh, and fall in love with me. I don't think I am asking too much.

My body is kind of in shock I think, it has never received this few a carbs, it gets breakfast although my smoothies haven't quite worked out well yet I need to work on my yoghurt to milk ratio and it's getting daily exercise. I have always really liked swimming, probably because that also does not involve running and because you are like a million times lighter in the pool, I can do handstands and tumble turns...it's a revelation! Can't do either on land though, bummer. However, I am starting to see a few problems with swimming that I am going to need to overcome:

1) The pool is disgusting. They don't have Molton Brown in the showers like my Leeds gym, I would even take Bayliss and Harding. I'm not asking for much here.
2) I prune an abnormal amount. I was swimming for nearly 3 hours but still my pruning compared to everyone else was extreme.
3) I am actually blind. Trying to swim one length without kicking someone or smacking a small child in the face is a rarity.
4) I keep cramping - someone enlighten me. Why do you cramp?
5) Chlorine burns my eyes like a biatch. I'm going to be one of those gimps with Zoggs goggles. As if I don't look cool enough as Shamu in the water already let's add some goggles so I entirely resemble a killer whale.

Oh well, suck it up Billie. If this is what has to be done to bag Michael Phelps I am on my way back to the pool now. Even if swimming does make me hungry and for some reason always makes me burp (god, I am painting such an attractive picture) it seems to be working, I am touching my toes way quicker than normal.

I shall continue my endeavours to turn Shamu into Flipper. One day.

Fatty BB xxx

P.S. Enjoy this little aesthetically pleasing treat.

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