Saturday, 14 July 2012

How to holiday with the Bhatias.

I actually attempted to blog on holiday, I wrote a draft on the plane but then got preoccupied with 40 degree heat. Tanning was far more important than blogging - although I think, as always, I took it a tad too far perhaps the SPF 2 oil spray wasn't really needed as now I'm as dark as the night sky.

But I shall attempt to give you an account of what a Bhatia family holiday is like. By the end of this post I'm sure there will be a queue of people wanting to go on the next family holiday....

"This is currently being written on the plane and it is quite miraculous that I am able to write at all since my hands have inevitably swollen to the size of baseball mitts. I hardly have slender hands, fingers, or in fact thinking about it I hardly have slender anything. I think the most slender paart of my body are my eyebrows (my eyebrows are my pride and joy, they are my one redeeming facial feature.) So anyway my even fatter than normal cumberland fingers at the ready here is how a Bhatia family holiday rolls. Everyone in my family knows I HAVE to have the window seat. It's tradition, I will genuinely fight you for it now and throw the biggest tantrum if I don't get the window seat. Now I don't think I'm a brat (Shariat does) but there is no budging when it comes to the window seat - I will full on be a brat. Much to my dismay there were no window seats available on the flight! I wiped my tears and in my head bitch slapped the lady that was sat by the window on my row of seats, if I could I would have thrown myself to the ground and protested that she moved - but I don't do that anymore, not in the last few months at least.

I was lucky though, very lucky in my flight companion - I got Geeta. Without a doubt the best flight buddy out of the family.
This is why:
Big Bad Baz - two fatties together = a very uncomfortable flight and a persistent fight over the arm rest. Not only is that, but he is incompetent when it comes to working any kind of technology. So every 10 seconds its, "Umm Billie how do you get the films on?" "Ummm Billie where is the volume?" "Ummm Billie I don't like this film, put another on." "Ummm Billie I'm out of wine, get me some more". Get the idea? Nightmare. 
Annie - if you dare even touch her (and completely by accident), slightly brush against her you will get nail marks in your arm and constant evils throughout the journey.
Ashwin - I guess he isn't that bad, but he complains A LOT that he has no leg room and again fall asleep on his side and you will receive a sharp elbow to the ribs. However on this flight his 2 main concerns were watching 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' and flirting with the Emirates staff.
So safe to say, I did well. Geeta doesn't complain, she let's me fall asleep on her side without any damage to my arms or ribs (not that she would be able to elbow far enough to reach my ribs) AND she brings the drinks and sweets.

The food has arrived. Eurgh. You might be surprised to hear that I actually hate aeroplane food. I know me hate food? Who would have thought. It's gross. It's not even real. The only good bit is the cheese and crackers. So there I was happy as could be, crackers in hand and watching 'Tarzan', occasionally forgetting that it wasn't socially acceptable to know all the words to the Phil Collins songs and sing out loud. Thinking this is going to be a GREAT family holiday - everyone in good spirits and huge amounts of sunshine waiting on the other side."

I must have got too carried away with the Disney Classics on the inflight entertainment and my cheese and crackers to blog anymore.
So until the next episode which I'm thinking should be aptly named 'Disaster in Dubai'.

Who wants to come on a family holiday now?!

Fatty BB xxx

1 comment:

  1. I love that 'get me some wine' is in the list of technological grievances. Love BBB!

    Aids xx