Monday, 8 October 2012

The Art of Friend Stealing

Since it has been kindly pointed out to me by more than just a couple of people that this blog tends not to focus so much on fitness but more on just... me, I thought I would continue on this more interesting theme for this particular post. So whilst a considerably smaller portion of the nation has been watching X Factor over the past few weeks I have got to thinking, what am I talented at? And as much as a try I don't think singing will ever be one of them. I can certainly list what talents I am lacking in - namely self-discipline and motivation to not eat carbs. But as far as actual useable talents I am limited. Then my talent hit me...I am a brilliant friend stealer. 

As such this post is dedicated to all those I have stolen, you have made my talent what it is today. (Toby Ross just to clarify this counts as your birthday blog). 

Now Shariat will argue that 'friend stealing' is a negative aspect and seeing as one of her best friends is now one of my best friends (that's you Alice) I get that (well not really but I don't want to be overtly mean). BUT I see it as a positive attribute it means that I have more of you lovely people reading my blog and helping me towards world domination. You might think, what is the success to my superb friend-stealing? I'll tell you...I'm about as threatening as a cuddly toy. Who would ever be intimated by the chubbs, curly haired girl with a clearly confused cultural identity?! 
The answer: absolutely no one. 
The result: The ability to befriend everyone. 

  • Girlfriends of fit boyfriends love me because I am zero threat, the most threatening thing that will happen is that I can get by in a conversation about sport and they can't. 
  • Boyfriends love me because lets face it I cook what the skinny girlfriends refuse to AND talk about sport.
  •  Kids love me because I look like a stuffed animal. 
  • Adults love me because I am the walking toy for their children. 
Basically I cannot lose at this game. Looking like the friendliest Hawaiian on the island does have some benefits, I may not bag the Storm model that has come to shoot the new Vilebrequin ad  but he will definitely want to be friends with me. This might sound big headed but when this is the only talent you have to work with, I gotta sell it. 

Plus how do you make new friends these days?! I work with six middle aged men, I don't particularly want to make friends with them. I exercise in my own house (not that I would ever make gym friends - the six packs do not want to be seen with the six rolls). I went ALL OUT at uni and exhausted all those avenues. So you make friends through other friends. It's natural (see Shariat). Gone are the days when  smashed in Mission I could walk up to someone and be like 'Heyyy I know who you are Hannah Yasmin Shariatmadari' (and I only know this through facebook and not real life) and get the reply 'Heyyy I know who you are Kiran Billie Bhatia' (and I only know this through facebook and not real life too) and then one week later be best friends. The last time that happened I ended up with Alice Willmott and she is a drain all my 'Pasta n Sauce' resources. 

Hence my thought that labelling my ability to make friends in a short space of time as 'friend stealing' is slightly harsh, in fact I could be the victim of some kind of secret game which is actually 'make Billie be my friend.' There are bonuses to this situation, I will cook for you and share my Vodka with you but most of all let you laugh at me. So in honour of those I have stolen and are now mine I shall be posting this on your facebook walls (for those I actually think would read this) - LOOK OUT. To those I miss...I am truly sorry, it doesn't mean I didn't enjoy stealing you it just means I can smell dinner being cooked and got distracted. 

Next week it will be back to how depressed I am with eating protein and how much I miss pasta bake. 

Fatty BB xxx

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