Not of the Martin Luther King variety, or the Ryan Gosling kind...
The other night I woke up in a cold sweat with tears streaming down my face. The only time this has happened to me recently was when I went cold turkey on carbs and had dreams about bread and then one other time...when I watched Insidious. I hate scary films, I cried in The Ring, can't handle The Others, I was even scared in Scary Movie - that guy had a weird hand. But India forced me to watch Insidious with her and despite cowering under my blanket for the majority of the film I am scarred for life by what I saw. This scarring was only made worse by Rupert being a little shit and scaring me even more. I was harmlessly coming home from a night of boozing and stumbled into the kitchen to attack the remains of my couscous when Rupert appears from the basement holding his laptop over his face with the hideous scarywoman from that stupid film on the screen, safe to say panic attack ensued and I didn't get to eat my couscous. Instead I collapsed against the fridge.
But anyway back to my present nightmare, I was in some kind of strange crystal maze environment being chased by this psychopath. Long story short I couldn't run fast enough because I'm such a fatty that he caught up to be (he was like SUPER fast though), slit my throat and cut me up into little pieces. I am almost certain it was the 'dream sprinting' more than 100m that brought on the cold sweat but what if this happens in real life?!
I am well aware this is a huge dramatisation and the likelihood of anyone attempting to chase me is slim to none but just in case I need to learn how to run, and how to run fast. Now don't laugh you're meant to be a supportive audience not a judgemental one so no cackles when I tell you I'm not a natural athelete - not surprising really. How can I improve this? Especially when I don't really like running? I avoid the treadmill like the plague - mainly because I'm scared with my clumsy ability I will trip and fall and get an ugly treadmill burn on chin. And NO WAY am I running im public, I refuse to be the cause of any road traffic accidents - when people stop and stare at my incredible beauty and Bolt-like technique....
So my plan for the end of October is to learn how to run, in an efficient and moderately graceful manner. Despite being a heifer I have been told I run quite elegantly, but it was Baz who told me that so I don't know how much truth their was in that statement, he was probs mocking me. When previously running to the ice-cream van or trying to catch a train which I am inevitably late for I do run on the balls of my feet, and get a little spring. But then when I arrive at said ice-cream van or manage to lug myself onto the train it's not a pretty sight.
Thus, October - running will be mastered. I'm not going to lie, I'm not really looking forward to it. But I have further inspiration. Upon on my visit to London, Kate and I took a very (long) leisurely stroll down the river (I did ask which river it was - but we are going to overlook that because I was hungover and distracted by the Kensington Rowing Club). And there were all these gorgeous runners, just enjoying sunshine, getting fit, looking good. I want to one of those people, and then simultaneously pick up one of those people - like the stunner that ran past us twice and I tried to get a picture of his sweaty biceps, but couldn't get my camera to focus quick enough. Such a shame you guys would have really enjoyed it.
Thankfully BBB has come up with a solution to get us both running by building a gym in the back garden. I am actually really excited about this prospect as it will be finished by next week and this means I can attempt to run to my hearts content (quite literally) without anyone watching and laughing. It's like Field of Dreams 'Build it and he will come.' But instead 'Build it and Billie will be thin.' You know what I would love even more though - if James Earl Jones was my personal trainer - Mufassa telling you to run, you would not stop. So that's the plan.
I have also decided when I am ready to run in public I'm going to employ these guys to be my running posse...that way I look the best. Is that egotistical? Either way I don't care.
Fatty BB xxx