The Glastonbury Guide

In case you missed it on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Air Mail...I went to Glastonbury AND survived. As like everything else in my life this post is late. I can't help it, no really I can't. I am late to everything. But now thanks to Glastonbury I have a valid reason for this - wait for it.

Lesson number one: Glastonbury is BIG

So when I told BBB I was going to Glasto he totally lolled in my face. More than lolled, he howled - a slap the table, eye watering kind of laugh. I will admit it, I am a 5* all-luxuries-included kind of gal, but when the going get's tough....pack enough Crème de la Mer miniatures and pretend you're at The Ritz right?

My first experience of camping came when I went on a road trip across America, and we decided that we would camp in Arizona. When conversation turned to 'just pitch up a tent on the side of the highway' I thought best to intervene and explain that if I was going to camp I had to be eased into the process - that meant running water and flushing toilets AT LEAST. Funnily enough half an hour later we stumbled upon a camp site with all of the above, plus electricity, a swimming pool, hot tub and a whole gang of winnebago families offering us bacon sandwiches. It was like I had planned it or something...

When we were discussing Glasto plans I immediately suggested Camp Kerla which was the Jo Malone of glamping but (devastatingly) weighing in it £10,000 for 5 days, the Hermes dream was still winning. Instead we went with Worthy View where your tent is already set up (which we aptly named 'Drunk In Love') and that was about all we knew about Worthy View. That was until I got an email a couple of weeks before the festival started that read a little like this...

Worthy View Campsite Location:

Worthy View Campsite is at the South of Glastonbury Festival site, situated above the Stone Circle Field. It is approx. 250m up the (steep) hill from Pennard Hill Gate and we recommend it is not suitable for wheelchairs or children’s pushchairs. Please come prepared for the fact the gradient of the foot path is STEEP.

Two mentions of the word 'steep' and one capitalised. Fucking capitalised. I feared that the Glasto climb was going to be way, way worse than Moraira Mountain. I envisaged riding on a sledge down to the Stone Circle and painfully crying with my ski poles as I navigated my way back up. I called Geeta and almost vommed at the thought. 

As the time came closer to Glasto I started to have a minor melt down: What to wear? What to pack? How to pack? How was I going to survive 5 days without a shower? Can I fit an airbed in the tent? Will I make it into Kanye's posse? How am I going to get up the mother fucking hill?! I dragged Geeta to the supermarket and bought all the necessities I could think of: 3 litres of vodka, 6 packets of baby wipes and really gave myself a pat on the back for remembering a torch.

The night before we kicked off to Glasto the packing commenced. Of course everyone else had done their packing miles in advance and I was the idiot trying to cram four pairs of wellies into my backpack at 2am. Despite googling packing hacks to ensure that I could squeeze in all 5 floral headbands without crushing them, I decided the only solution was to sack off one pair of wellies and substitute them for my Timberlands (to complete my gangster outfit in anticipation of Kanye). Finally after half an hour of agonising over which red lipstick to take I decided to get a fucking grip, tip them all into my bag and try and get some sleep.

5am came far too quickly and as predicted I was the last one to have my shit together and stumble into the car. 3 hours (napping) later we arrived at Worthy View. Not a single shred of traffic in sight - 1st Glasto win. Unloaded the car and and traipsed all of 5 minutes to our campsite  - 2nd Glasto win. There were even people equipped with wheelbarrows to help you carry your booze to your tent - 3rd Glasto win. And finally our 'Drunk In Love' (which was actually 'Drunken Love' aka the Slut Tent' looked like this...

Drunken Love. 

And so the adventure began. I managed it up and down the hill sans ski poles and with only one near tumble, a couple of close heart attacks, three strops and a few tears.  I wore almost all the wellies I had packed, I walked for actual miles - basically came back with legs like Gisele. I didn't get tangled in all my fringing, I made it through Kanye without being thrown to the floor, I nailed my 14 year old dance routine to Mary J Blige and I managed to stomach Malibu for breakfast every day.

Things to note for next year:

• Worthy view has actual proper portaloos - this is worth the climb every day.
• Worthy view has showers, again - I will gladly pound that mountain for a quick douche.
• 6 packs of wet wipes and 3 packs of make up wipes is excessive.
• Wear more colour. Black is good for hiding my dribbled rum and coke but doesn't quite have the festival fashion nod.
• Cheesy chips, as good as they might be, are a real hinderance when trying to dance like Beyoncé right after consuming. 
• Any kind of food is a legitimate breakfast food. 
• Don't be afraid of the mud, in fact jump in a puddle every now and then to really look like you have immersed yourself in the experience. 
• Do not wear flannel shirts in intense heat. 
• Similarly do not wear flannel shirt in intense rain with no coat - the wringing out process is laborious. 
• WATER. Drink water. Interspersed with Malibu, obvs.
• Do not do laughing yoga on a full bladder
• Do not get your palms read for fear they will tell you that your spirit animal is a tortoise and NOT an elephant as previously presumed for 25 years. Such palm-reader might also tell you you are slow at life, you are a chocoholic and that you are a keen gardener. There was no mention of Gosling, my prince charming and a happily ever after - he didn't get me at all. 

Laterz G-Bury. 

Glasto 2016, I'm ready for ya.

Fatty BB xxx